I encountered hills that made me think that if I just leaned forward a foot I'd bump my forehead. They were steep. Steeper than I thought I could handle.
I had a very hard time today. I wasn't able to concentrate on my pace. The mud was awesome and we all had mud covered soakers when we were done. Roots and rocks were the nice part of the run.
I was tired from the start. I dunno why. I rested so much yesterday and other than cleaning, didn't do anything physical. I ate well, hydrated but today I nearly sat myself down on the trail and cried. I was tired and frustrated. I didn't hurt. I wasn't injured or sore.
I just had a plain old shitty run.
Each bad run is a test. A test of my mental strength. Today I used all my mental tricks to get me through.
I nearly puked, I nearly pissed my pants too. Not because I had to pee but because the physical demands to get through this one section of the trail were tough on me. Women who have had a baby would know what I mean! ;)
Why did I keep going? Why didn't I cheat and take the easy route back to the car? Why didn't
I just stop and rest? It's like this: on race day, I will have to get to the finish line. Every hard run conditions me for that distance. I had to push past the wall to make my body realize it can push further. I REALLY want to finish this 50 km ultra trail marathon. Sitting and resting isn't going to get me in better shape.
I was determined to get there, to run it and to not give up.
My fellow runners wouldn't let me! They cheered me on and reminded me of the techniques I was forgetting to use to push myself further.
I have had hard runs, bad days before and they make me stronger to get through another bad run down the road. We only ran less than half of what I'll have to run on race day.
I have a lot of work to do still!
I didn't piss myself, I didn't puke (although it was a near miss)
I finished the run. I focused on my pacing, took joy in the terrain and the view (3 deer
today!)
When I was running I was discouraged, kept thinking that if I wasn't so damn fat that I'd be
able to run faster, that I don't train hard enough, that I suck at this stuff...the demons of negative thinking. Then I remembered this. FINISHING=WINNING.
I remembered sitting in the specialist's office a year after my car accident and countless hours of physio and hearing him say that I'd never be able to run long distance again. I remembered how much lower my fat percentage is now than it was
3 years ago, that I'm far from fat. I remembered people I know who are suffering and above all, I remembered Jack and how I'm always telling him to work hard to reach his goals and to not give up on himself.
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