Sulking like a baby....

So, it seems I am still wounded.
Haven't blogged in a million years.
It's actually been 7 weeks and 2 days, since I hurt myself.

I miss running like I'd miss my best friend if she moved away.
I am so upset about not being able to run.

I don't expect people to understand but other marathon runners know what I mean. Biking, swimming, pilates just don't match up to a nice 2.5 hour run on the trails or hills. It's just not the same.

I keep getting my tibia stuck under my talus. The ligaments that hold the joint tight are torn and I keep jamming the tibia under the talus. I'm so frustrated. I still have swelling and pain. I am doing physio and osteopathy and doing everything I'm told but it is such slow slow slow healing.
I realize I'm healthy in all other areas of life and shouldn't take that for granted, but I miss running.
This weekend coming up is the 50 km race I was to be running. I was on good track for training and was working hard to keep on track. Now I'm not even sure I can do a marathon this fall.
Not sure what the mechanics of my injury are at this point or why it hurts so badly, or is swollen at the end of the day.
I'm sure I'll feel better after the 28th of May...when my 50 km has come and gone.
I'm being a baby. I'm acting like a spoilt brat, I know. I WANT TO RUN and I CAN'T so I'm gonna sulk.
When people suggest doing other excercises I want to scream. IT's NOT RUNNING. It's like taking tv away from someone who loves their evening tv shows. It's like taking away computer from someone who is cyber savvy. I've had running taken away from me and I'm grumpy.

I ran 4 minutes on the treadmill and I was overjoyed. It hurt like hell and I had to stop.
I've lost weight since I stopped running.....muscle I'm sure as I feel bloated and puffy and lazy.

So, my plan is to do pilates, maybe some water aerobics at the y (I'd swim but flipper kick is AGONY)
and ride bike with Jack.
I keep telling myself that I have to maintain muscle and cardio care for when I can run again as it will be that much easier. My fitness bank is decreasing steadily and I can feel it in my body.

So, spoilt rotten brat am I.
I am taking my health and my good life for granted. Focusing on what I CAN'T do rather than what I can. It's just a slump and I'm sure I'll get over it........as soon as I can do that first 2 km!!!

wtf?

so...My days as a trail runner are over for now.


Ligaments badly torn but not completely torn away.
Ankle is pretty bad and the most I will be running on trails is the Flat rail trail over the summer.....

I'm sad. like, crying sad. I know I should be counting my blessings but right now I'm just sad that I have to not run for at least 6 weeks now.....
I've had 3 opinions.
Sunday...underdiagnosed.
Monday...AGONY. Babied the ankle but still used it. Iced it etc. but it hurt like a son of a bitch.
Tuesday---Osteopath nailed the diagnosis and scared the shit out of me telling me if I ever want to run distance again I'm gonna have to get the hell off my foot. It didn't hurt so much when I woke up so I had been using it all day and doing a work program that involved me going up and down the stairs like....18 times. By the time I saw the OSTEOPATH she was horrified with the condition of it. I borrowed crutches from my ex-father-in law. Osteopath has me calling her once a week to update her and then see when I can put weight on it.
Wednesday--checked in with my gp. His diagnosis was the same but as my eyes teared up he said it's not the end of my running and if I take care of it, I'll run marathons again. He gave me a prescription for Naproxen, 500 mg 2x day. Now, if you know me, you'll know that I'm terribly sensitive to chemicals of any sort and with that level of meds...I'm incapacitated. I can't even talk coherently on that much naproxen, let alone work! I will get a foot walker thingy and was warned that this does not give me the option to go hiking etc....must still stay off foot.   My job requires me to be on my feet a lot so I will need to use it.
Through my tears I asked him 'why the f@#k this doesn't hurt me....that it's tender but I'm not in agony any more and I can walk on it just fine! He said he thinks my pain tolerance is high and I'm in some denial of how serious it is.
I have to go to physio. That's ok. I'll not be doing any ultra trails for some time.....
GOOD NEWS!! I can do marathons.

I'm grumpy right now. Grumpy that I can't run. That I'm uncomfortable and grumpy that I'm taking this so stupidly wimpy and hard. Why can't I focus on the bright things in my life. I have my health and my son has his health. Nothing major is happening to us right now and I'm still crying over the fact that I can't run for a while?? WTF is that about? Is it human nature 'cause it pisses me off that I'm so upset, which then makes me feel like more of a loser and I keep telling myself to stop this stupid pity party and focus on the lovely things in my life.


So....I'm going to get my foot brace this evening and then spend some time cuddling with my healthy, darling 8 year old and remind myself that I'll still be a marathon runner....maybe have to go back to being a road runner and a trail hiker like I used to be.  Maybe go back to doing triathlons again....That ain't such a bad life eh???? I'm fortunate that I'm good enough at swimming, biking and running to be able to do that sport as well......

"Rice Krispie" Ankle

Snap: Thankfully NOT

Crackle: OMG!

POP: OUCH!!

My first running injury....spraining my ankle on the trails today.

I cry.....because I'm a geeky runner and  I'm wounded

A Lateral Ligament sprain.

The top ligament being the most damaged.

I still wanna cry. I really don't have much to cry about when people in Japan still haven't found the bodies of their loved ones, when people are being diagnosed with cancer or watching their children go through treatment, sick babies, depression, dealing with marital problems, trying to feed kids and pay bills, battling  eating disorders, losing their precious babies to death and many other serious issues.

And I'm upset about a sore ankle?? It'll heal and I'll run again.

Sometimes I feel selfish when I think of that. How can I be so upset that I have an injury that will heal??

I'm one of the ones that struggles to pay bills as a single parent but here I am: crying over the pain in my ankle?

Today, I'm selfish. I Have a 50 km race in 2 months and I may have to do the 25 km or a marathon instead.

POOR ME! (see....how it sounds so stupid when it's put that way) I'll just have to do a 50 km later on. There are tons of races all over the place and I haven't even registered for the 50 km so I can't feel bad about losing entry $ (Ultra's are super cheap anyway, unless you do the 100 milers.)

I won't complain out loud to my friends, my co workers or others to be sure I recognize that I have nothing really to complain about this is my running blog and I can call myself selfish as I see it. This also gives lots of ammunition to those people around me who have piss-poor attitudes about my running and think my distance trail running is not safe...Oh well! Majority rules and most people are on board with me reaching my goals and dreams of being an ultra trial runner.

I turned over on my ankle at some point on the route. I was running with 4 people. Two of the ladies chose to vacate the trails due to the snow and ice and go on the road. My other running buddy and I stayed on the trails. The irony of this is, I didn't even hurt myself on the ice and snow. I was running on plain old dirt, a not-so-steep downhill and I just placed my foot the wrong way. I have never done this before and the POPPING feeling SCARED THE CRAP out of me. Instant pain, not able to walk on it. I can't explain the popping. I'd be horrified to feel what it's like to break a bone!

After a few minutes to catch my breath and get some instructions from Tim to chill for a minute and to go home, I sent him on his way to finish the 20 km. He redirected me to the path back to the car....a 30 min hike up slippery hills and through the beautiful woods.

I don't understand why he wouldn't go run to get the car and pick me up??





Oh, ya...we're in the middle of the woods.

So after the initial painful moment, It didn't seem to hurt much at all. As a matter of fact, I felt a very cold sensation run through my ankle. I thought I might be able to keep running, maybe not the 20 km but something close to that, I was feeling great other than the ankle. I figured I'd go home just as a precaution and to try to figure out that the POP was.

Since it didn't hurt so much, I partly ran the hike back to the car. Not such a good idea afterall.

When I got home, I showered and then thought I'd put my ankle elevated for a bit. That's when I noticed how freakin' swollen it was. I hadn't even thought to look before the shower as it didn't hurt too much.

It was so swollen that I immediately iced it and then headed to the walk in clinic. I didn't know what the heck they could do but I'd at least I might get an idea of what I had done.

The doctor turns out to be good friends with my doctor which is irrelevant but I thought it might have meant he'd know something about athletic injuries or at least have the gonads to be able to say he doesn't know and send me to a specialist. (my doctor rocks!)

So...here it is....a lateral ligament sprain. 3 ligaments but the top one is the worse at this point.

Stay off my feet for 7-10 days AT LEAST and then run flat trails for a while to see if it'll be ok.

I WAS SO RELIEVED!!!!! I almost hugged him!

I still feel sorry for myself that I won't be able to go with my trail running buddies for a few weeks but that's just because I'm being selfish, remember????

Now, writing this blog has made me feel like I've confessed how I feel whiny, selfish and ungrateful for my overall good health, my healthy son and my good life.

 I'm not teary-eyed any more. I'll baby my crackling, popping ankle and do what needs to be done to fix it.

I'm gonna go plan my pilates, weight, swimming plan for the next couple of weeks rather than my runs!

"Running Shmunning"

George Sheehan wrote:
"I cannot put fitness in the bank. If inactive, I will detrain in even less time than it took me to get in shape. And since my entire persona is influenced by my running program, I must be constantly in training. Otherwise the sedentary life will inexorably reduce my mental and emotional well-being.

           So, I run each day to preserve the self I attained the day before. And coupled with this is the desire to secure the self yet to be. There can be no let up. If I do not run I will eventually lose all I have gained-and my future with it."


I used to have this written at the front of my runner's log book when I used to be a serious runner. It motivated me to be sure I didn't 'detrain'.
Well...it happened. I detrained. I had a baby, a divorce, a car accident  over the course of several years and was not a runner anymore, but yet I mourned the loss of it, as if I had lost a part of myself...

So,I Run again. I'm 20 lbs heavier, several minutes away from personal best runs but am I still a runner?

I think that quote says it all....running is more than moving my feet quickly. It is a life style for me, a hobby, a form of meditation, a time of reflection, a way to challenge myself to do better with my personal time and my personal goals. It's about SELF RESPECT. Running makes me proud of myself. No one can touch it, ruin it or make it better but me. It's about determination to get from point a to point b in something more than a walk. I do it and I feel better. I LOVE IT. I don't take it so seriously that I can't have fun with it!

That's all there is to it!

As I said, I used to have a log book to document runs.
Now I don't log my runs in a book....it would be like this:
              Date
              Distance
              Location
              Weather
              Pace
              How did you feel?
              Changes for next run?

Now, I run when ever the heck I get a chance and at the end, I'm just grateful to have gotten out that I don't feel I need to log it. I'm just desperate for a coffee or a beer and a hot shower.I'm not a competitive runner, therefore I'm a fun-runner.

George Sheehan: one of my favourite authors/ runners of all time. I'll write more about him later but let's just say this....I don't think he ever knew that those few lines of his book would get me out the door to keep my fitness bank building.

'puke if you have 2' ...Around the Bay 2011

Granny underwear-Check
Gu Chomps-check
Lucky Necklace-check
pee 33 times before race starts-check
Jack wearing race shirt for good luck-Check
Chip on shoe-check
Etc. Etc.Etc.

The night before the race, Jack asked me to pull out my medal/trophy collection from years gone by so he could see the 6 ATB medals I already have.

I went to clean the bathroom and when I returned he had them all organized on the floor.

"See Mom! If you can do this than you can do that race tomorrow NO PROBLEM!"
Wow! Way to pack a punch for nostalgia and to cheer me on.
I used to be fast. 5 km 22:10// 7 km 31.43//16 km 1:29:15//Half marathon 1:48//and marathon 3:56:01//ATB 30 km 2:52
I forget 10 km pb...mostly because I HATE 10 km races.
It bugs me that I can't go fast. It bugs me that I'm super super super slow. I try to console myself that the doctors had said I would never be able to run more than 5 km and yet, I'm training for a 50 km and have done 3 more atb, a couple halfs and 2 fulls in the last 2 years and 9 months.
Still... I am SO embarrassed at how slow I am. So embarrased, as if I'm not as good as I used to be.
I have to get over it.

THE RACE:
Started out SHITTY for the first 10 km, which Ironically was the slowest 10 km of my race. I always have that happen to me and it sucks. My knees hurt, toes went numb, had to pee in an orange portapotty and then at 7 km started to feel like I was gonna puke.
Seems I'm a glutton for punishment because I just got faster and faster as the race went on even though my tummy hurt and I was feeling tired......
I decided to take action:  I needed my sister!!!
 I had my iphone on my since I had to let my cheering squad know when I was 5 km from the end so they could get to the finish line in time.  I did something that seemed so weird to me. I text and ran at the same time! I text my sister.

 She helped me through that point and then the moment came that I had been waiting for....the part of the race where I can relax and feel 'at home'.....THE HILLS. You see, the first 18 km of the race is flat and then you go to Northshore Blvd in Burlington where it's rolling hills and even a very big one by Lasalle park. You chave a slight reprieve on Plains Rd but then around the 25 km mark you go down Valley Inn Road which brings you to a gorgeous part of our Royal botanical gardens. Therein lies the MFH (motherF...erHill) as it is known as. This is the hill that will make or break your race. If you go up it too hard you will maybe find yourself crawling the last 4 km to the finish.
So...where was I....oh yes....my second wind. I love that hill section...it's where my race begins.. I start passing people and I don't stop passing people until I get to the finish line. Now, I'm not competitive for time etc but it sure is good for the psyche to be passing 30 people every km you run when those people either misjudged the difficulty of the route,
went out too fast or didn't hydrate/eat properly and have hit the wall early on.    I plan for this...it's my style and I trained so hard on those hills this year that I ran every step of those hills and it was the fastest part of my race. This, all on the verge of puking and having to do a run and puke'' at the side of a road as I had barfed in my mouth while running and had to spit it out. (TMI?? Well...that's how it goes!!)
 My stomach felt much better after that and I was super super happy!!!!!! I just kept passing those people and when I got to the MFG I had to check to see if Beth had text me. She did. I nearly cried with her kind words of encouragement and love.

I had to call my peeps to let it ring 2x to let them know I was near the end. turns out they were far from the finish line.They were suprised at how quickly I was going the last 10 km because I had told them to take their time as I was feeling crappy and had an upset stomach.

My sister had encouraged me via text and the classic text was...."Wow? You're almost there!
Puke if you have 2!" My sister is the best. She knows that there is no way I won't finish this race or give up.

I saw Jack at the 21 km mark and it pepped me up so much. Nothing like a hug from him part way through the race to keep me happy. (This was before I puked...)

Once I got to the MFH It was clear sailing......I ran the last 5 km as my fastest of the ENTIRE race!! I saw a friend of mine at the 28 km mark who scolded me for having far too much energy at the end of the race and I should be pushing as hard as I can.....BUT...therein lies the problem. If I push too hard, my back could get very injured and I won't be able to recover
well to run another race. I also have to be able to walk after the race, to take care of Jack on my own that day as well as to work the next day. I'm on my feet a lot for work and I need to be able to work. I can't get injured. I just don't have time for it. I have to go slow and steady and kick ass for the alst 5 km at all my long races so that I don't make those nagging back problems flare up.
So....at 4:05 as my official time I am torn. I'm embarrased that it is so far from my 2:52 personal best but I'm so pleased that I can run it.


"The miracle isn't that I finished....the miracle is that I had the courage to start" J. Bingham.
 I remind myself of this as much as possible. 3 years ago...I wasn't running and would hide away on the day of the ATB (the route went by my apartment) and wish wish wish I could run that race, remembering the days when my runner buddies and I would train so hard for it. Remember the 4 times I had already run it and  getting tears in my eyes as I thought that I'd never again be able to run it.              
My miracle is getting to the start line of the last 3 ATB Races....Finishing = winning in my books and if it wasn't for those people that believe in me accomplishing my dreams, and my
dear son who believes that If I can do it, he can too someday, then I would still be thinking those doctors were right. That I'd only be able to run 5 km max.  I NEVER Run a race alone...it's my fb peeps that cheer me on(one had just finished his first 50 km in India! Congrats to him!!) with their comments and notes, my family and friends who come to cheer me on and my little Jack who is at the finish line to make me want to get their faster and stronger.
Ok.......so now for that 50 km Ultra Trail Run in May.......better get running!!!

Cheers!

Granny Underwear and other Pre Race Rituals...

Wear the wrong underwear during a long distance race and you'll be cursing yourself when it's all done. Whether you chose granny, bikini, things or none at all...you gotta make a choice. Chafe chafe chafe chafe...a five letter bad word for runners!!
I remember getting ready for the New York Marathon and watching/hearing my male running friends(we shared a room so there was no escape from the discussions) put liquid bandaid on their nipples and their....nether regions. I guess underwear choices matter for men too. Luckily, for them, the liquid bandage worked!

I have lots of rituals...some I would be embarrassed to tell but mostly it's stuff like this:
Race shirt that I get as a part of the race cannot be worn until I have actually run the race.
It's bad luck to wear the race shirt until you have crossed the finish line. That shirt becomes a good luck shirt if Jack wears it while he cheers me on at the finish line (but it isn't mandatory)
You can't even try on the shirt until after the race is over because it's not a good idea.
All clothes must be laid out the night before: absolutely NOTHING that hasn't been worn in training for this particular race.
Do not eat any new, high fat foods within 2 days before the race.(don't want an upset tummy)
Wear my lucky necklace.
Blah blah blah...I could go on...I'm sure it would bore you.


Above all, I can never go off to the race without a very important item:
THE RACING GITCH!! The one piece of clothing that is saved for long runs only. Not worn at work, definitely not worn on date night but saved for long races only.

Yes, I'm that runner with pantylines that would make you laugh (but you'd still be behind me so who's laughing now?!)
because I have to have that huge, no chafe in sight, granny underwear.

I won't tell you what colour it is or it wouldn't be lucky underwear anymore!


Many runners have superstitions or pre race rituals. I just happen to be brave enough to share a few of mine... :)

"4 More Sleeps"...

...until the Around The Bay Race!!
My 7th.
I'm excited but mostly nervous since I know that route inside and out. I even know where I will be at certain landmarks base on my pace plan and previous races. Silly eh?


I just had to shovel the driveway with wind, snow and what seems to be hard snow pellets. It's technically Spring, by calendar date but the snow we were showered with seemed neverending.
I liked shoveling. Weird? I like being outside, even if it means an upper body/core workout via my shovel and several cm of snow.


Oh ya..back to the Around the Bay Race...
I was reminded today about my little coach's view of what my race strategy should be.
We were in the car. Slip, sliding around the snow and ice covered roads. I said "jeez, I hope it isn't like this for the 30 km on Sunday!"
Jack (in 8 year old coach mode) said "mom, you have done this race so many times and you've done harder races than that. Just remember, when you get tired sit down and rest then get up and run some more and rest again when u need to, find a bench to sit on and then run some more until you get to the end. You know I'll be at the end for our usual high five!"

Our usual high five......what he doesn't know is that there is nothing ever "usual" about it


for me. Seeing him there, waiting to high five me is a mental picture I never forget. It means the world to me to have him there. I never take that for granted and cherish that picture.
Thankfully I have had wonderful friends to help him get to the finish line and this year it's my ex-father-in-law. He's a runner and we're very good friends. He isn't running the race but he always comes to cheer on the many many runner friends he has.

One day, when Jack was about 6 years old, I was doing a boot camp workout outside and I was hurtin'! I said "oh man! I can't do this stuff."
My little coach replied "mom, I've seen you run a 42km race. If you can do that, then you can certainly do this little workout!"

Wow! Words I've never forgotten. Words that I remember vividly as I train for this upcoming 50 km ultra in May.

He's a pretty good coach eh?
I'm a lucky mom!